Up In The Air
by McGeekle
Summary: "The last time you were sneaking around behind our backs and I tried to protect you without your consent, we both ended up suicidal in the desert." Set between Chasing Ghosts and Berlin.


They boarded a military supply flight to Germany less than 24 hours after Gibbs gave them the go ahead. Along among the crates of supplies they sat stiffly beside each other, almost a foot of space between them. They had yet to say an entire sentence to each other, speaking only when necessary in clipped replies. She was prickling with tension, anxiety, and guilt, he with the sting of his partner's betrayal. The silence was deafening.

Over an hour into the flight, Ziva reached into her bag and pulled out a bag of gummy bears. She offered them to Tony with a sad smile. He scooted closer to her, taking the candy with a gentle brush of his fingers. He knew it was a peace offering, an invitation to break their stony silence. He also knew he was not going to be the one speaking first.

"I was going to tell you," she said, knowing there was no good way to begin the conversation.

"You should have told me when you started looking," he bit back.

"I did not want to get anyone involved…"

"Really? You should tell that to McGee. I think him being a permanent fixture in your revenge lair would interfere with that plan."

He didn't let her respond, continuing on becoming increasingly frustrated.

"Seriously, Ziva? McGee!? You're going after the bastard that shot your father and the one person you trust to have your back is McGee?"

Ziva jumped in, her voice stern, but not yelling.

"First of all, If you had let me finish, I was going to say that I did not want to get anyone involved at first, but I that when my contacts were not providing as much intel as I had hoped, I asked McGee for his help. And second of all, you underestimate him, Tony. You are constantly putting him down, even though he is your partner too. I know that he would trust you with his life. Why can you not trust yours to him?"

"I trust him with my life, I don't trust him with yours."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean I don't trust anyone to take care of you but me."

"Do you realize how patronizing that sounds? You have to be the one to take care of me! As though I cannot do it myself?

"I'm your partner, I'm the one who should always have your back."

"McGee is our partner as well, in case you've forgotten."

"Not the way that I am."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what I mean, Ziva. You and I…we're different."

"That does not explain your constant compulsion to protect me."

"If all that's happened in our partnership doesn't explain to you why I feel the need to protect you, I sure as hell won't be able to. And contrary to what you like to believe, sometimes you do actually need me to have your six. And I always have, Ziva. I have always had your back."

"I know. I know you have," she said, her voice lowering to a normal decibel.

"Then why did you leave me out of the loop? Why did you choose to trust McGee over me?" Tony asked, his frustration still seeping through his tone.

"It was not an issue of trust, Tony. It was a matter of skill."

"What skill does McGeek have that I don't?"

"The ability to hack into the Homeland Security database undetected."

"That's it?"

"That's it. It was not a matter of not trusting you enough. You know that I will always trust you with my life."

"You know, you say that, but I have an awfully hard time believing it sometimes," he scoffed.

"Why?"

"WHY?" he asked, his voice rising again. "You let me believe for weeks that you were in some kind of trouble. You snuck around, took phone calls in languages I don't understand, for god's sake, Ziva, you investigated your father's murder without me for months and then made me figure everything out on my own when you could have just come to me in the first place."

"You chose to look into my actions. I did not intend to hide this from you forever, but I do not understand why you cannot just trust me and let some things go!"

"I just can't, okay?!"

"Why?"

"Because the last time you were sneaking around behind our backs and I tried to protect you without your consent, we both ended up suicidal in the fucking desert."

Silence.

Ziva's eyes went wide, her breath momentarily stolen from her lungs.

"You were…suicidal?"

"You heard what I said. And don't pretend you didn't know. I'm sure McGee told you all about it at one of your little late night meetings."

"I did not know. He did not tell me. When I came home…when you brought me home, Abby told me some of what happened when I was gone, but not that."

She paused for a moment before speaking again.

"We never talk about…"

"I know. There's a reason for that."

"Why did you not tell me, Tony?"

"Why can't you talk to me about what happened over there?"

"Please answer my question. Please," she asked softly.

He sighed, rubbing the back of his head with his hand, "It was easier to try to forget," he began, wondering exactly how far this conversation was going to go. "It was easier to pretend that I hadn't spent half the summer drunk trying to stop thinking about the fact that you were dead," he said, seeing tears rimming her eyes. "When I saw you sitting in that chair, it was like I could breathe again. You were alive. None of the stuff that happened over the summer mattered any more, because you were there." He refused to meet her eyes, almost embarrassed by his honesty.

Ziva felt a tear streak down her cheek. In that instant, she knew she had to answer him.

"I know that you are expecting me to say that it is too difficult to recall the memories of what happened, but it is not true. That summer is just a part of my life now. My reasons are the same as yours." She looked over at him, hoping to meet his eyes. He sensed her gaze, instinctively moving to meet her eyes. "You came to rescue me, Tony. I do not know if you realize the magnitude of what you did, but it was…everything. You gave me a reason to live again." She swallowed, "Why would I burden you with my nightmares when you fought so hard to drag me out of them in the first place?"

"You're never a burden, Ziva."

"It feels that way sometimes. I have too much luggage to deal with…"

"Baggage, not luggage."

"And I know you have some of your own."

"That's an understatement."

"I do not think it is fair for you to have to deal with mine as well."

"It's what partners do. Besides, I thought we were telling each other the things that mattered."

"The post-elevator us, yes?"

"Yeah."

She considered the agreement that they'd made in the elevator the year before. A mutual understanding that they would tell each other important events in their lives, their feelings. She took a moment to gather her thoughts, knowing that she owed it to him to be honest.

"Tony," she said hesitantly "I know the reason why I did not want to tell you I was tracking Bodnar, but I am not ready to say it…and I do not believe you are ready to hear it."

"Try me."

"I cannot. I am not ready."

"When will you be?"

"I do not know."

"Well, you have another eight hours to think about it."

"I promise we will talk about it. I just, can't right now."

"Okay," he said, nearly choking on the word. There was still too much left to say, too many things unsolved. He reached across the small space left between them, taking her hand in his and squeezing lightly. Immediately he felt her squeeze back.

Suddenly the mountain between them didn't feel so big.


End file.
